Funny One Liners

 

Sometimes I wonder..........

If mummies are from egypt,then from where are daddies from?
Should vegetarians attend meetings?
If you mix flour, water and salt you get glue.
If you add eggs, baking powder and oil, you get cake.
Where does the glue go?
If breaks are meant to be slow... then why do they call it "breakfast"?
How can the cemetry raise it's burial costs and blame it on the price of living?
Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?
Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?
Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?
Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?
Why do they have ear piercing while you wait?
Is there some shop where you can drop them off and pick them up later?
All the other questions... still without an answer...

Adam and Eve were the first people on earth............Did they have belly buttons?
A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
Are unripened oranges called greens?
A wise old owl sat on an oak,
The more he saw the less he spoke;
The less he spoke the more he heard;
Why aren't we like that wise old bird?
(Edward H. Richards)
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Can it be a mistake that "desserts" gives "stressed" spelled backwards?
Could your eyes be called an academy, because there are pupils there?
Crime doesn't pay. . .does that mean that my job is a crime?
Did Noah include termites on the ark?
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?
Do fish get thirsty?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Do penguins have knees?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Do you love me because I am beautiful or I am I beautiful because you love me?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How do you dial a pushbutton phone?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How can one TV station have the "exclusive" accurate weather? Did they "storm" in and scoop the others?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How could I have been doing 70 miles an hour when I've only been driving for 10 minutes?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If a brown cow eats green grass why is it's milk white?
If a giraffe had a sore throat, how many lozenges would it need to make it better?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If a man with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, would it be considered a hostage situation?
If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky? (S. J. Lec)
If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them?
If a turtle does not have a shell on, is he homeless or naked?
If a vegetarian is someone who eats vegetables, what does that make a humanitarian?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If beef comes from a cow and ham from a pig, why do they put beef in hamburgers?
If breaks are meant to be slow... then why do they call it "breakfast"?
If corn oil comes from corn....where does baby oil come from? (Richard Lederer)
If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
If helium existed in a solid form, and you ate it would you get heavier or lighter?
If it is tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
If love is blind, is lingerie considered Braille?
If mummies are from egypt,then from where are daddies from?
If nothing sticks to Teflon how do they stick Teflon to the pan?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress? (Richard Lederer)
If someone were to pay you ten cents for every kind word you ever spoke and collect five cents for every unkind word, would you be rich or poor?
If stores claim to be open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, why do they have locks on the doors?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If the cops arrest a mime do they tell him that he has the right to remain silent?
If there's so much laborsaving machinery, why don't I have more free time?
If the universe is expanding, why can't I find a parking space?
If the world is spinning so quickly why don't we all get dizzy?
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If we weren't meant to keep starting over, would God have granted us monday?
If you learn from your mistakes, then why ain't I a genius?
If you mix flour, water and salt you get glue.
If you add eggs, baking powder and oil, you get cake.
Where does the glue go?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
If you're only as old as you feel, how come I can't retire yet? (Robin Alumbaugh)
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are your waiting? (Stephen Levine)
I have lived through the sixties, seventies, eighties and nineties. Am I now about to live through the noughties?
I'm in shape. Round is a shape, isn't it?
I never spit in your drink; why do you smoke in my air?
I saw a sign that said "seeing eye dogs only" who is supposed to read this? the dog?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?
I wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and never his prescription? (Finley Peter Dunne 1867-1936)
Should vegetarians attend meetings?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."
Was it a rich or a smart person who said: "Money can't buy happiness."?
What do birdies see when they faint?
What do butterflies feel when they're in love?
What does an atheist do when he drives up behind a car with a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker and that car doesn't move when the traffic light turns green?
What do they use to ship styrofoam?
What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
What exactly is "Unsweetened" iced Tea? Did they take the sugar back out? (W. Lanza)
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What is listed as the hair colour on a drivers license of a bald headed man?
What sees a blind man when he's dreaming?
What would the world be like without hypothetical situations?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?
Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?
Who puts the thin ice sign in the middle of the thin ice?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there so many songs for Christmas but barely any for all the other holidays?
Why are they called apartments when they are together.
Why are wise men and wise guys the exact opposites?
Why call it a building if it's already been built?
Why can't life's problems hit us when we're 17 and know everything?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?
Why doesn't the fellow who says "I'm no speech maker" let it go at that instead of giving a demonstration? (Kin Hubbard)
Why does Queen Elizabeth, who has people to put on her make-up, do her hair, and needs no cash or identification carry a purse?
Why does the sun on the Raisan Bran cereal box wear sunglasses?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do men have nipples?
Why don't people on TV ever go to the bathroom?
Why do people have "hot water heaters"? If your water is hot, why heat it?
Why do people keep junks in their garage, while put things that worth thousands of dollars out on the driveway?
Why do people point at their wrists when they ask what time it is? I know where my watch is! Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
Why do people say the alarm went "off" when it actually sounded like it was "on"?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Why do some displays of "I love you only" Valentine cards sell them in multi-packs?
Why do the hours at work drag on endlessly when the years seem to fly past?
Why do the sick people have to walk all the way to the back of the pharmacy for medicine when cigarettes can be purchased at the front door?
Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
Why do they call it research, when looking for something new?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why do they have ear piercing while you wait?
Is there some shop where you can drop them off and pick them up later?
Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?
Why do they sterilise needles for lethal injections?
Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
Why do we act like we know what someones talking about when we have no idea?
Why do we always want to grow up when we're young and be younger when we're old?
Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? (Richard Lederer)
Why do we have so much enthusiasm for criticism
and so much criticism for enthusiasm?
Why do we look in our handkerchiefs after blowing our nose?
Why do we say there is nothing on TV tonight when there obviously is something on?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it new and improved? If it's new how can it be an improvement of something and if it's improved how can it be something new?
Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Why is it that the uneducated minds always criticize the brilliant minds? (Kelly Nelson)
Why is it that when one man kills another, he is hanged as a murderer, but when one man kills millions, he is hailed as a conqueror?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why is it that you sit in front of your TV and behind your computer?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same? (Richard Lederer)
Why is lemonade made with artificial flavoring, while dishwasher soap is made with real lemons?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food?
Why is the practice called "fasting" when time passes so slowly when you're doing it?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why lightens the sun our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business", always be followed by, but?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Wouldn't it be strange if the God who made His people free and happy should then give them commands that enslaved them again? Doesn't it seem more likely that what He gave them were rules for remaining free and happy? (Mark Finley)
You can't have everything...where would you put it?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?


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