One Liners (aa - af)

Funny one liner jokes and short inspirational thoughts.

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A closed mind is a good thing to lose.
A closed mind is like a closed book; just a block of wood. (Chinese proverb)
A college professor asked his class a question. If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I.
One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor your 44.."
The Professor said "you're absolutely correct, but tell me how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"
The student said. "You see professor I have a brother, he's 22 and he's half nuts."
A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
A compliment is a statement of an agreeable truth; flattery is the statement of an agreeable untruth. (Sir John A. MacDonald)
A computer beat me at chess once.
But, it was no match for me at kick boxing.
A computer is almost human - except that it does not blame its mistakes on another computer.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conference is a gathering of important people who individually can't do anything but together can decide that nothing can be done.
A conservative is a politician who wants to keep what the liberals fought for a generation ago.
A conservative is a worshipper of dead radicals.
Acquaintance: a person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
A crisis is when you can't say: "let's forget the whole thing".
A crumb from a winner's table is better than a feast from a loser's table!
Action may not always be happiness, but there is no happiness without action.
A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases. When a clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?" he answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish."
Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran muffin."
A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold," ........ At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, "How come you called God, Harold? The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name."
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. (Kimberley Broyles)
A dancer goes quick on her beautiful legs; a duck goes quack on her beautiful eggs.
A diet is a selection of food that makes other people lose weight.
A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
A disbelief in God does not result in a belief in nothing; disbelief in God usually results in a belief in anything.
A dog inside a kennel barks at his fleas. A dog hunting does not notice them.
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
A dog who attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.
Adolescence and snow are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
A dream is just a dream. A goal is a dream with a plan and a deadline. (Harvey Mackay)
A drop of ink may make a million think.
A drunk mans' words are a sober mans' thoughts.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American.
"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes.
We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."
The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"
Adversity doesnt build character, it reveals it.
Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and keep away from children.
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. (Erica Jong)
A face without freckles is like a sky without stars.
A failure is a man who has blundered, but is not able to cash in on the experience. (Elbert Hubbard)
A fair face may fade, but a beautiful soul last forever.
A fall will always make a wise man wiser. (ancient Chinese)
A family came home from Church where the sermon was on Adam and Eve.
The Mother noticed the boy sitting on the bed feeling his ribs.
She asked what he was doing.
He said, "I counted these things 3 times now. Ma ! I think I'm having a wife."
A farmer learns more from a bad harvest than a good one.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
A father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President."
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked: "What happened to the flea?"
Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives. (C.S. Lewis)
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
A five year old boy was sitting down to eat when his mother asked him to pray for his meal.
He replied, "Mom we don't have to. We prayed over this last night."
His mother had prepared leftovers from the day before.
A five year old was discussing Noah's Ark with Grandma.
Grandma asked, "How many animals went into the Ark?"
The youngster replied: "One mail and one e-mail."
A flea and a fly in a flue
were imprisoned so what could they do?
Said the flea "let us fly"
said the fly" let us flee"
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed by a gas station on a lonely country road.
On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.
"Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.
"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responds, "It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," wheezed a second.
"And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember 'em too," said the third.
Hearing just about enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the foursome at 87-years-old, piped up and said, "Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on THIS side of the grass!"
A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"
A friend is one who knows who you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you become, and still gently invites you to grow.
A friend is someone that won't begin to talk behind your back when you leave the room.
A friend is someone who dances with you in the sunlight and walks beside you in the shadows.
A friend is someone who has the same enemies you have. (Abraham Lincoln)
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.
A friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked.
A friend to all is a friend to none.
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
After hearing two eyewitness accounts of the same accident, you begin to wonder about history.
After months of training and you finally understand all of a program's commands, a revised version of the program arrives with an all-new command structure. (Thoreau's First Theory of Adaptation)
After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.
Later, the wife's roommate commented: "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."
After the government takes enough to balance the budget, the taxpayer has the job of budgeting the balance.

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