One Liners (an - aq)
One Liners (an - aq)
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
An adolescent is a person who acts like a baby when they aren't treated like an adult.
An agnostic lay dying. He called his weeping child to his bedside and asked her to read to him the one text that hung on his wall. It contained a summary of his life's philosophy: GOD IS NOWHERE. The little girl began to read: "G-O-D: God; I-S: is; N-O-W: now; H-E-R-E: here. God is now here," she repeated. The mistake of the child led to her father's conversion.
An angry person is seldom reasonable; a reasonable person is seldom angry.
An Apple a day keeps the doctor away.
But . . . an onion a day keeps everyone away.
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. (Agatha Christie)
An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.
A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by way of an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Failing to observe the punctuation, the clergyman startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
An educational system isn't worth a great deal if it teaches young people how to make a living but doesn't teach them how to make a life.
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead".
An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.
An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."
From the back of the room a voice called out, "....... so, what are the words?"
An error doesn't become a mistake until you choose to ignore it.
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the sky.
Phychotic is the man who lives in it.
And a psychiatrist collects the rent.
A new minister was talking to the oldest member of his congregation.
"I am 90 years old, sir, and I haven't an enemy in the world," said the aged one.
"That is a beautiful thought," said the clergyman approvingly.
"Yes sir," was the answer. "I'm thankful to say that I've outlived them all."
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled." The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
An expert is a man that has made all mistakes possible in a narrow field of expertise (Albert Einstein)
An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind. (Mohandas Gandhi)
Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it. (Seneca)
Anger is costly on the soul, be carefull with what you choose to spend it on. (Bohdan Chreptak)
Anger opens the mouth and shuts the mind.
An inch of time cannot be bought by an inch of gold. (Chinese proverb)
An Internal Revenue inspector walks into a synagogue and asks to see the rabbi. He is shown to the rabbi's office and is offered a seat.
"Rabbi, I believe a member of your synagogue, Mr. Klutz, states on his tax return that he has donated $100,000 to the synagogue. Tell me, Rabbi, is this correct?"
The Rabbi answers, "Yes, he will."
An obstacle is something you see when you take your eyes off the goal.
An obstinate man does not hold opinions, they hold him. (Samuel Butler)
An old-timer is someone who remembers every detail of their life story, but cannot remember how many times they have told the same person.
An open mind does not always require an open mouth.
An optimist believes we live in the best of all worlds.
A pessimist fears this is true.
An optimist laughs to forget, a pessimist forgets to laugh.
A note left for a pianist from his wife: "Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet."
An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance. - Nolan's / Peter's Placebo
Antiques are things one generation buys, the next generation gets rid off, and the following generation buys at auction at amazing prices.
Anybody who thinks talk is cheap never argued with a traffic cop.
Any car will last a lifetime - if you are careless enough.
Any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the bill for them.
Anyone can become angry.
That is easy.
But to be angry with the right person,
to the right degree,
at the right time,
for the right purpose
and in the right way.
That is not easy. (Aristotles)
Anyone can make a mountain out of a molehill by throwing on more dirt.
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. (Albert Einstein)
Anyone who has time to look for a 4- leaf clover needs to find one.
Anyone who is not a socialist at 16 has no heart, but anyone who still is at 32 has no mind. (Woodrow Wilson).
Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. (Henry Ford)
Anyone who thinks that they are too small to make a difference, has never been in bed with a mosquito.
Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it. (Mitchell's Law of Committees)
Anything labeled "New" and/or "Improved" is not: the label means the price went up.
The label "All new" or "Completely new" means the price went way up.
Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to change anything.
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
Anything you lose automatically doubles in value. (Mignon McLaughin)
A parishioner had undergone a serious operation and was still under the influence of the sedative when the vicar came, so the vicar just said a prayer and left. The next day he returned and asked the patient if he had been aware of his visit. "I vaguely remember your visit yesterday. I remember opening my eyes and thinking 'I can't be in Heaven because there is the vicar'."
A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..."
"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked.
"Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like Shirley following me around all the time."
A penny saved is a penny earned, and a penny spent, is a penny enjoyed.
A penny will hide the biggest star in the universe if you hold it close enough to your eye.
A perfect guest is one who makes his host feel at home.
A person can fail many times, but they are not really a failure until they start to blame someone else.
A person is getting along the road to wisdom when they begin to realize that their opinion is just another opinion.
A person is grown up not when they can take care of themselves, but when they can take care of others.
A person is only as big as the things that make them angry. (Confucius)
A person lives, to be loved.
A person loves, to have lived. (Michael Crowgey)
A person of words and not deeds is like a garden full of weeds.
A person's character and their garden both reflect the amount of weeding that was done during the growing season.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
A person without knowledge of his history is like a tree without roots.
A person who can speak many languages is not necessarily more valuable than a person who can listen in one.
A person who makes no mistakes, generally makes nothing.
A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties. (Harry Truman)
A pessimist is someone who looks at the land of milk and honey and sees only calories and cholesterol.
A physician can bury his mistakes, an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. (Frank Lloyd Wright)
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
A politician is a person who can make waves and then make you think they are the only one who can save the ship.
A politician is the one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
A politician will find an excuse to get out of anything, except office.
A politician will stand for what he thinks people will fall for. (Anon)
A poor person isn't he who has little, but he who needs a lot. (German proverb)
A poor report card has one good thing in its favor: at least you know the student is not cheating.
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. " Mind if I have a few?" he asks. " No not at all," the woman replied. They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm totally sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really meant to just have a few." "Oh that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them!"
A promise is a debt. (Irish Proverb)
A proud father phoned the newspaper and reported the birth of twins.
The girl at the desk didn't quite catch the message.
"Will you repeat that?" she asked.
"Not if I can help it," he replied.
A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience. (Miguel de Cervantes)
A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. (Slick's Second Universe Law)
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